I did this last week with the earlier comedians….this week I’ll concentrate on the 60s-70s.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
Who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?
I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells
I had to stop drinking, ‘cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers
There’s a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat
When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother
Marriage. It’s not a word. It’s a sentence
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God
Alright, let’s admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days
I am influenced by every second of my waking hour
It’s the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’
Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright
I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don’t rush into adulthood, it isn’t all that much fun
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them
If you can see the handwriting on the wall… you’re on the toilet
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why
You make me wish that birth control was retroactive
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
The best mind-altering drug is the truth.
The road to success is always under construction.
I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.