Comedian Quotes V

I’ll start off with two talk show hosts going first. Carson, still is probably the most popular of them all. Cavett was great at what he did… he was funny but most of all he had conversations with his guests rather than interviewing them.

This will be the end of the Comedian Quotes…I thank all of you who have read and enjoyed them…also thanks for all of the suggestions.

Comedian Quotes 
Comedian Quotes II
Comedian Quotes III
Comedian Quotes IV

Dick Cavett

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you’re hungry for power

If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself

I don’t see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty – and evaporating quickly

I would not ever try to be a show intellectual, which I was accused of doing a while on ABC. I thought you were supposed to read the guests’ books

I don’t feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him

Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself

People will pay more to be entertained than educated

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn’t take two hours

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Bill Burr

God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money?”

Deny your emotions and act like you have answers

You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards – just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and not have a full on panic attack

I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?

People focus too much on whether there’s a Democrat or a Republican in office. It’s not like this guy Kim-Jong Un got into power the second Trump got into power. It’s not like he wasn’t a problem. It’s not like we haven’t had warmongers. It’s not like corporations haven’t been the main influence on what we’re doing around the world.

I can’t quite remember who I voted for president. It wasn’t Trump or Hillary, though. I didn’t like either one of them

Chris Rock

There are only three things that women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f***ing window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That’s just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.

Jim Gaffigan

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.”

Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you

There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep

Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I’ve been exposed to at this point. I’m hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend

Bob Saget

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.

I’m going to be fifty this year. Soon I’m going to meet somebody around my own age, and she’s going to be smart and beautiful, and I’m going to date her daughter.

When you’re famous, you’re always famous. It doesn’t go away.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you’re the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

My dad’s like, “If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?”

Steve Allen

Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless

Physical fitness is in. I recently had a physical fit myself

Thousands of years ago only Christ could walk on the water. Today anybody can do it; you just step on the garbage

Civilization itself . . . can easily be swept aside when mob passions are aroused

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders

Joey Bishop

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It’s the study of crackpots

“Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn’t come in a bottle

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, Lady, didn’t you see that red light? The woman said, You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all