Comedian Quotes III

This week we are going to feature some Comedians from the 70s and 80s. My personal favorite is  Bill HIcks…the darkest comedian I have listened to but funny. Steven Wright takes the quotes to a different level.

Make us laugh – East Bay Times

Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

My Correspondence with Bill Hicks | The New Yorker

Bill Hicks

I loved when Bush came out and said, ‘We are losing the war against drugs.’ You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: “I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.

It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

Hear 10 Minutes of Sam Kinison From Final Show - Rolling Stone

Sam Kinison

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Folks, I’ve been straight for seventeen days… Not all in a row.

My view of life is, ‘If you’re going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It’s like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they’re so sweet: I’m not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I’m not. I’m gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going ‘Where did I say build a water slide?

I called a detox center – just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don’t have a problem yet.

Eddie Murphy: Delirious (TV Special 1983) - IMDb

Eddie Murphy

I spent my 30s fixing everything I broke in my 20s.

The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.

Getting divorced didn’t sour me on the institution of marriage. I’ll tell you what I’ll never do: I’ll never get divorced again.

As you get older, you get different, and I’m a mushier, softer person as I get older.
Steve Martin Wild and Crazy Guy - BrandStory

Steve Martin

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything

I gave my cat a bath the other day…they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…

Thinking too much also creates the illusion of causal connections between unrelated events.

The George Burns One-Man Show (TV Special 1977) - IMDb

George Burns

There’s an old saying, ‘Life begins at forty.’ That’s silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name’s not there, I eat breakfast.

You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I’d rather be over the hill than under it.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.


Author: Badfinger (Max)

Power Pop fan, Baseball fan, old movie and tv show fan... and a songwriter, bass and guitar player.

40 thoughts on “Comedian Quotes III”

  1. those are great! Steven Wright is probably my all-time favorite stand up comedian…and a couple of those you found I hadn’t heard before. Lately my sweetie and I have watched several Louie Anderson routines… he was really funny too; before he died I knew him to look at but hadn’t really heard his bits.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I grew up listening to Brother Dave Gardner records. You know the ones, 33 RPM, turntable, needle, all that. My cousin and I lived and breathed his routines. Clearly, his schtick would be a hangable offense in today’s society. The guy was a southern Baptist preacher that turned comedian and relished in spearing every one, black or white. He never said the “N” word or the “F” word, but yet he was hilarious. Pryor, Murphy, Skip Wilson and the others clearly studied this man and used his genius in their acts decades later. I also am a fan of Lenny Bruce and Red Fox. I guess that makes me the old guy on the blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like Gardner a lot. I just found him a few years ago.
      Lenny Bruce was different than many of his peers and really started a new kind of comedy.
      Nothing wrong with that Phil.


      1. If you are a fan of the Amazon show, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Lenny Bruce plays a large role in the show. The guy that portrays him is spot on. Besides 1883, it’s the best show on the box.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. So many funny jokes! I love this one (so much of comedy is based on truth):
    “I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they’re so sweet: I’m not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I’m not. I’m gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That one is great… I liked “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

      Steven Wright’s quotes were like Deep Thoughts.

      I decided no on Woody and Bill…because most of the quotes had to do about sex…and no…I didn’t go there because of obvious reasons.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I liked that amnesia and deja vu one also lol. Steven Wright is like a Zen comedian. He thinks of angles you haven’t thought of before.
        THANK you for no W and B. How W has escaped prison for so long is a mystery. He goes on living a free life while dooming those he harmed forever 😦 B also but at least he’s in prison.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I tried Winters…not a really good quote! I’ll try looking for more but he didn’t have many at all. Eddie Murphy didn’t have great ones…it surprised me.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I forgot all about Sam Kinison. One of his comedy lines was about a very heavy woman and a motorcycle. He said she was so heavy that, when the motorcycle shifted gears, it sounded like “OHHHHH….SHHHHHHHIT” LOL!

    OH, OHHHHHHHH!!! Used to be a preacher.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL….that is great!
      My favorite bit by him was on Johnny Carson…singing the Elvis song Are You Lonesome Tonight


      1. I know…he was awesome….I love when he started to scream in the middle of the song…just classic


    1. Oh Jeff…that is another thing that I’m jealous of…along with the CCR concert. The Comedy Store was huge at that time…a lot of talent went through there. Thanks for mentioning Bob Saget…I’ll add him.

      Liked by 1 person

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