Some more comedians this week and next week we will be wrapping this up. Thank you for the suggestions…some will appear next week including my favorite talk show host.
Robin Williams
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money
Marriage is a triumph of imagination over intelligence
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while
The only reason Mickey Mouse has four fingers is that he can’t pick up a check
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on the radio
Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready
People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the white house
Robert Klein
In the fifties I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel.
And the only studies were – Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
Fear is the greatest salesman.
In the book of things people more often do wrong than right, investing must certainly top the list, followed closely by wallpapering and eating artichokes
Comedy is still alive, and there are still funny people. Jews are still overrepresented in comedy and psychiatry and underrepresented in the priesthood. That immigrant Jewish humor is still with us.
I learned more at The Second City than I did at Yale for all that high tuition.
Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
There [are] just two things I’d need to find out everything I want to know about everyone: 1) Let me see them drive; 2) let me hear them talk about marriage … That’s going to tell me exactly your relationship to the world.
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with
What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine?
Dave Allen
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work – and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.
My church accepts all denominations – fivers, tenners, twenties.
Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I’m the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.
I don’t go out of my way to be outrageous, I just go out of my way to look at things.
Brother Dave Gardner
The South may not always be right, but by God it’s never wrong!
Rock music sounds like an octopus making love to a bagpipe
Let them that don’t want none have memories of not gettin’ any
Love your enemies and drive them nuts
Peter Cook
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly
As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.
You realize that suicide’s a criminal offense. In less enlightened times they’d have hung you for it.
Everything I’ve ever told you, including this, is a lie
Dudley Moore
I’m always looking for meaningful one-night stands
Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we’re not poets
When I think of Canada I think of tonic water.
Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you’re with, but you can leave when you want to
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it
PowerPop... An Eclectic Collection of Pop Culture 