Comedian Quotes IV

Some more comedians this week and next week we will be wrapping this up. Thank you for the suggestions…some will appear next week including my favorite talk show host.

RIP Robin Williams - Peter McGraw

Robin Williams

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money

Marriage is a triumph of imagination over intelligence

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while

The only reason Mickey Mouse has four fingers is that he can’t pick up a check

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on the radio

Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the white house

Robert Klein Stripey sweater 2 - What To Do

Robert Klein

In the fifties I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel.

And the only studies were – Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

In the book of things people more often do wrong than right, investing must certainly top the list, followed closely by wallpapering and eating artichokes

Comedy is still alive, and there are still funny people. Jews are still overrepresented in comedy and psychiatry and underrepresented in the priesthood. That immigrant Jewish humor is still with us.

I learned more at The Second City than I did at Yale for all that high tuition.

40 Behind-the-Scenes Photos from the Set of Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

There [are] just two things I’d need to find out everything I want to know about everyone: 1) Let me see them drive; 2) let me hear them talk about marriage … That’s going to tell me exactly your relationship to the world.

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with

What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine?

Dave Allen At Large – Nostalgia Central

Dave Allen

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work – and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.

My church accepts all denominations – fivers, tenners, twenties.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I’m the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

I don’t go out of my way to be outrageous, I just go out of my way to look at things.

Brother Dave Gardner - Alchetron, The Free Social Encyclopedia

Brother Dave Gardner

The South may not always be right, but by God it’s never wrong!

Rock music sounds like an octopus making love to a bagpipe

Let them that don’t want none have memories of not gettin’ any

Love your enemies and drive them nuts

BBC Four - The Undiscovered Peter Cook

Peter Cook

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.

You realize that suicide’s a criminal offense. In less enlightened times they’d have hung you for it.

Everything I’ve ever told you, including this, is a lie

Dudley Moore - British Comedy Guide

Dudley Moore

I’m always looking for meaningful one-night stands

Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we’re not poets

When I think of Canada I think of tonic water.

Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you’re with, but you can leave when you want to

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it

Author: Badfinger (Max)

Power Pop fan, Baseball, Beatles, old movies, and tv show fan. Also anything to do with pop culture in the 60s and 70s... I'm also a songwriter, bass and guitar player.

34 thoughts on “Comedian Quotes IV”

      2. LOL… yea…its funny because if you met those characters in person…most likely you would hate them but it works and works well.

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  5. So many good ones. I haven’t heard of a couple of these people but they are funny. Favorite lines in this bunch:
    “Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with”
    “Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money”
    “Let them that don’t want none have memories of not gettin’ any”
    “As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.”
    “Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you’re with, but you can leave when you want to”

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    1. Robin Williams in this one is great… Yea Dave Allen and Brother Dave are the two that are probably the most unknown…
      Those are great…

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      2. That is cool dude! I remember him before I could appreciate him but I did watch him during that period some. He had a razor sharp wit… I even liked Ed also as his sidekick.

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    1. Steve Allen I didn’t think of….thaks Phil….yea Cavett I like although he is a big name dropper…he didn’t interview people…he had conversations with them…. Cavett and Carson are coming up next week..

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      1. Good stuff Max. Carson and Steve Allen have a world of stuff on youtube. Cavett was almost a bit to “hipster” for mainstream. The day after woodstock, he had CSN and Joni Mitchell on his show. They occupied cushions on the floor and rapped about the concert and such. Only thing missing was the passing of the bong. Maybe he was cooler than we thought. I know my parents didn’t care for him. They were hardcore Carson folks, as well as Steve Allen and Dave Gardner. Rejoice Dear Hearts!

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      2. Cavett supposedly have had a thing going on with Janis Joplin so his hip meter went up. Have you heard the Nixon tape where he basically said….”Anyway we can screw him?”…. I found it below….Cavett said him and his staff was audited for years after this…. You have me listening to Gardner again…

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      3. I hadn’t heard the Janis and Dick thing, or the Nixon either. That’s wild. Most of those talk show guys were liberals except for Carson, who never let you know what he was, so that’s not surprising. Being a liberal back then wasn’t what it is now. I always preferred Carson to any of them, and thought maybe Lenno was good to, but after that, pure crap. Glad you re-discovered Brother Dave. I grew up listening to that guys records. Of course my Dad was a musician, so our household was a bit on the hip side, so Dave was allowed, as well as Rusty Warren and Red Fox. Out of the bunch, Steve Allen was probably the most talented and overlooked comedian. Ernie Kovacs was also great. Carlin and all the rest that came after learned from these guys. There was a local comedian on channel 11 during the late 50s that called himself Ickey Twerp. He patterned his comedy after Ernie Kovacs and was a bit of a big hit in Dallas Fort Worth television. Check out some of his videos on YT. I still watch some of Carsons old stuff on YT and Pluto TV. Nothing today compares. I guess I’m a bit of a sentilmentelist. Keep the good stuff coming and the plates spinning.

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      4. I agree…. being a liberal then is nothing like today… I just watched a documentary: Icky Twerp, the Electronic Babysitter on youtube…He was great and had a lot of characters. Gorgon who was like Nashville’s Sir Cecil Creape. Thanks Phil…really cool stuff.
        I liked Carson also…the man had a great wit…him and Cavett had some in common…both from Nebraska and young magicians….the reason I watch the old Cavett interviews is because if you like an artist…sometimes he devoted a complete show or shows (Bette Davis and others) just on them.

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      5. Cavett tended to have more musicians than Carson, who had more Broadway show singers and comedians. I’m working on a story about Ickey Twerp, as Gargon. Time; elementary school. Place; Ft. Worth. Scenerio; Halloween Carnival. He was a revered man around FW and Dallas. Channel 11s studios were on highway 30 in West Fort Worth and was so small they had to go outside to turn around. Sir Cecil, I’ll check him out.

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      4. They were filthy in Derek and Clive…a name they went by…
        Cook was the brains and funny as hell.

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    2. They are both great…. Dave Allen had a show in the 70s called Dave Allen At Large…very funny guy….and Brother Dave Gardner can get really dirty…he is funny

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