Comedian Quotes

I’ve been watching some older comedy movies…I thought I’d pick out some quotes by these early great comedians.

W. C. Fields (Creator) - TV Tropes

W.C. Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

The Case for Duck Soup as the Greatest Monologue in Movie History | Den of Geek

Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member

Stan Laurel (Comedian and Actor) - On This Day

Stan Laurel

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.

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Buster Keaton

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

Charlie Chaplin and I would have a friendly contest: Who could do the feature film with the least subtitles?

If one more person tells me this is just like old times, I swear I’ll jump out the window.

Harpo Marx | American actor | Britannica

Harpo Marx

The passing of an ordinary man is sad. The passing of a great man is tragic, and doubly tragic when the greatness passes before the man does.

If things get too much for you and you feel the whole world’s against you, go stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

The Real Charlie Chaplin' Review: A Telling Look at the Tramp - Variety

Charlie Chaplin

It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks.

You’ll never find rainbows, If you’re looking down…

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

Author: Badfinger (Max)

Power Pop fan, Baseball, Beatles, old movies, and tv show fan. Also anything to do with pop culture in the 60s and 70s... I'm also a songwriter, bass and guitar player.

47 thoughts on “Comedian Quotes”

    2. I think he made a comment, long ago, that he was a better listener than talker. That being said, Dorothy Parker stated, on several occasions, that she and Harpo had many wonderful conversations. I always got the feeling he was in love with her.

      Gotta love the Algonquin Round Table. Edna Ferber, Herman Mankiewicz (grandfather to Ben on TCM), Robert Benchley (grandfather to Peter), Norman Bel Geddes (Barbara’s father), Estelle Winwood (lived to be 101…last movie was the comedy Murder By Death)… Interesting group.

      I’ve always wondered who actually said “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” Parker? Eliot? Picasso? They were all contemporaries and all smartasses.

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      1. I loved the Round Table…I can’t stress it enough…you would love “Harpo Speaks.”

        Yea he said the reason he was accepted was because he was the only one that would listen…but he wasn’t stupid by any means. Funny…Groucho was the one that read every book around but he wasn’t as accepted by the Round Table.

        Groucho said it even he thought they were pointed in the way they ripped people… When Groucho says that…that is something else. Woollcott was one of the leaders of them.

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      3. LOL…yea it’s funny because all of these years later…Harpo is probably the best well-known of the bunch…they would have never guessed that.

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      2. There are so many good ones… saying the price aloud off of a restaurant reciept and telling her…If I were you I wouldn’t pay it.

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  6. Good ones! Some I’d heard before but others were new and made me laugh, especially the WC Fields ones. Imagine how big they would have been had they lived 50 years later and been in the age of Stand Up Comedy and cable shows.

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    1. That is great. I like his quotes…I have a thing about quotes.
      One of the Wildes I remember (although I looked it up to confirm it was him) is “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.”

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